Brian Gerard (Lewandowski) Last updated: June 25, 2026

Welcome. Before we go any further, here are the terms. I know nobody reads these. I know you’re going to scroll to the bottom and click whatever button makes this stop. That’s fine. But somewhere down there is a sentence that protects us both, and I’d hate for you to miss it on principle.

By subscribing to, reading, commenting on, or otherwise loitering around this publication, you agree to everything below. If you don’t agree, the door is right there, unlocked, no hard feelings, mostly.

1. What This Is

This is a newsletter, blog, and ongoing creative publication operated by me, Brian Gerard (Lewandowski) (”I,” “me,” “the author,” “management”). It contains humor essays, satire, serialized fiction, music nonsense, and the occasional dispatch from a farm. It is published through Substack, which has its own terms you’re also bound by, because that’s how stacking legal agreements works and nobody asked my opinion.

Nothing here is journalism, financial advice, legal advice, medical advice, or otherwise actionable guidance. It is one person’s opinions and inventions. Treat it accordingly.

2. Subscriptions and Payment

You may read as a free subscriber at no cost, or upgrade to a paid subscription for additional content, including chapters of serialized fiction and other perks I describe with varying degrees of honesty.

Paid subscriptions are billed in advance on a recurring basis (monthly or annually, depending on what you picked) through Substack’s payment processing. By going paid, you authorize that recurring charge until you cancel.

You can cancel any time through your Substack account settings. Cancellation stops future billing. It does not, as a rule, trigger refunds for the current period, because you already received the content and I already spent the money.

3. Refunds

Refunds are handled at my discretion and through Substack’s systems. If something genuinely went wrong, email me (Section 11) and we’ll sort it out like reasonable adults. If you simply changed your mind after reading everything, that’s a different conversation, and a shorter one.

4. The Writing Is Mine

All content I publish here, the essays, the fiction, the characters, the band, the artwork, the specific configuration of words that makes you laugh on a Tuesday, is my intellectual property or licensed to me, and is protected by copyright. This includes recurring characters and creations such as Trouble McFussbucket, Professor Archibald Pickles, Timothy Splashinski, Elliot Nessie, and the otters. Especially the otters.

Your subscription grants you a personal, non-exclusive, non-transferable license to read and enjoy this content for your own private, non-commercial use. That’s it.

5. What You Can’t Do With It

You may not copy, republish, redistribute, sell, scrape, or feed into a machine-learning model any part of this publication without my written permission. You may not remove credit, repackage my work as your own, or post paid content where non-subscribers can read it for free.

Quoting a short passage to tell a friend “look at this idiot” is fine and encouraged. Reproducing whole essays or paywalled chapters is not. You know the difference. Act like it.

6. Comments and Conduct

Comments are a privilege I extend because I enjoy them. In exchange, a few rules:

Be civil. Disagree all you want, I’m frequently wrong, but cruelty, harassment, threats, hate speech, and spam are not welcome and will be removed. No pitches, no self-promotion, no links to whatever you’re selling.

Anything you post in the comments, you’re responsible for. You grant me a non-exclusive, royalty-free license to display, retain, and moderate it as I see fit. I can remove comments or block users at my sole discretion, for any reason, including reasons I decline to explain.

7. Disclaimers

This publication is satire and fiction. Names, characters, businesses, events, and federally enhanced semi-aquatic mammals are either products of my imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual government otter programs, is coincidental or comedic.

The content is provided “as is,” without warranties of any kind, express or implied. I do not promise it will be accurate, useful, available without interruption, or good. I think it’s good. I cannot legally guarantee it.

8. Limitation of Liability

To the fullest extent permitted by law, I am not liable for any indirect, incidental, consequential, or punitive damages arising from your use of this publication. If a court somehow finds me liable for something, my total liability to you will not exceed the amount you actually paid me in the twelve months before the claim. For most of you, that is a number you could find in a couch cushion.

9. Termination

I may suspend or terminate your access, including paid access, if you violate these terms, abuse the comments, or attempt to redistribute my work. You may terminate this agreement at any time by unsubscribing and walking away into the sunset. Sections about intellectual property, disclaimers, and liability survive termination, the way a good grudge does.

10. Changes to These Terms

I may update these terms from time to time. If I make material changes, I’ll note it via the publication. Continuing to subscribe or read after changes means you accept the updated terms. If you don’t, see Section 9, sunset, etc.

11. Governing Law and Contact

These terms are governed by the laws of the Commonwealth of Virginia, without regard to its conflict-of-law provisions. Any disputes will be handled in the appropriate courts there.

Questions, concerns, or refund pleas can be sent to bglewandowski@me.com. I read everything, eventually.

Thank you for reading the Terms of Service. You are now among the seven people who have. There is no reward for this, only the quiet dignity of having done it.