Brian Gerard (Lewandowski) Last updated: June 25, 2026

This is the part where I tell you what information I collect, what I do with it, and why you can mostly relax. The short version: I run a newsletter, not a surveillance operation, and the few things I know about you are things you handed me on purpose. The otters, for the record, are the only ones doing real surveillance, and they don’t report to me.

By using this publication, you agree to the practices described below.

1. The Honest Overview

This publication runs on Substack. That means Substack does the heavy lifting on data, storing your email, processing your payments, keeping the lights on, while I sit on top of it writing things at 11 p.m. Most of your information lives with them under their privacy policy, which you should also read, or at least pretend to.

I see a limited slice of all this, and here’s exactly what that slice is.

2. What I Collect

Information you give me directly:

• Your email address, when you subscribe.

• Your name or display name, if you provide one.

• Comments, replies, and messages you post or send me.

• Payment information, if you go paid, which is handled entirely by Substack and its payment processor. I never see your full card details. I wouldn’t know what to do with them if I did.

Information collected automatically:

• Basic analytics through Substack, such as open rates, click data, subscriber counts, and roughly which posts landed. This tells me whether a joke worked. It does not tell me who you are at a granular, creepy level.

• Standard technical data like browser type and device, collected by Substack to make the thing function.

3. How I Use It

I use this information to:

• Send you the newsletter you signed up for.

• Process and manage your subscription.

• Respond to your comments and emails.

• Understand, in aggregate, what people read and enjoy.

• Occasionally tell you about new books, paid offerings, or that I’ve had a thought.

That’s the whole list. There is no secret second list.

4. What I Don’t Do

I do not sell your personal information. I do not rent it, trade it, or hand it to data brokers for beer money. I’m not running ads against your inbox. The value exchange here is simple: you give me an email address, I give you words, nobody’s data gets auctioned.

5. Third Parties

The main third party is Substack, which hosts this publication and processes everything described above under its own privacy policy and terms. Payments run through Substack’s payment processor (currently Stripe). If you use the Substack app, app-store providers may also collect data under their policies.

I don’t control these companies’ practices, only my own small corner. Read their policies if you want the full picture.

6. Cookies and Tracking

Substack uses cookies and similar technologies to keep you logged in, remember preferences, and gather the basic analytics mentioned above. You can usually control cookies through your browser settings, though disabling them may make the site behave strangely, like a vending machine that’s given up.

7. Data Retention

I keep your subscriber information for as long as you’re subscribed, plus a reasonable period afterward for records and legal reasons. If you unsubscribe and want to be fully removed, see Section 8. Comments may remain visible unless you or I remove them.

8. Your Rights

Depending on where you live, you may have rights to access, correct, delete, or export your personal information, and to opt out of certain uses. Practically:

• Unsubscribe any time using the link at the bottom of every email or through your account settings.

• Request deletion or access by emailing me (Section 11) or adjusting your Substack account. Because Substack holds most of the data, some requests route through them.

• Opt out of promotional messages while still receiving the content you paid for.

I’ll honor valid requests within the timeframes required by law. I will not make you fill out a form designed by a sadist.

9. Children

This publication is intended for adults. It contains satire, mild profanity, and a janitor with a diving mask. I don’t knowingly collect information from anyone under 13 (or under 16 where that’s the line). If you’re a minor, this newsletter is not for you, and your inbox will thank you.

10. Security

Substack maintains industry-standard security measures to protect the data it holds. No system is perfectly secure, and I can’t promise the internet will never misbehave, but the sensitive stuff (your payment details) lives behind their protections, not mine.

11. Changes and Contact

I may update this policy as things change. Material updates will be noted via the publication, and continuing to subscribe means you accept the revised version.

This policy is governed by the laws of the Commonwealth of Virginia. Questions, requests, or general privacy-related anxiety can be sent to bglewandowski@me.com. I read everything, eventually.

You’ve now read an entire Privacy Policy voluntarily. That’s more self-control than most people bring to a buffet. Go in peace.